As I opened my Yahoo mail, I noticed an ad off to the side. It said, “Oil of Olay. Look 12 years younger in only 4 weeks.” I gasped and ran to the bathroom mirror. I used Oil of Olay. Had for years. I certainly did not look twelve years younger than my actual age. Ten maybe, but not twelve!
A different ad promoted some weird concoction that would help me lose a dress size in eight weeks. The ad pictured a vivid, yellow dress growing smaller and smaller with each second. Large, Medium, Lookin-good, Small, Scarecrow thin, back to Large, to begin again. The ad was a perfect parody of yo-yo dieting just sitting on the edge of my screen tempting me to believe that skinnier somehow means better.
On the other side of the screen, men can lose unwanted belly fat in no time at all. I have to say that the third man looked pretty nice, but as with the yellow dress he was destined to fail. In less than three seconds he was back up to a beer belly hanging over his athletic shorts.
We are all subjected to the flashing miracle messages on our computer screens. It is too bad refrigeration companies are falling so far behind in computerized technology. The profit potential is unlimited with ads that flash and loop endlessly. What if refrigerators had “parental control” screened panels off to the side and every time our kids tried to open the door they had to read and respond to an ad first? As the old song goes “scrolling, scrolling, scrolling!”
Learn to be pleasant in just six minutes a day! This ad could show a smiley face getting larger with each second. The teenager would have to produce a “real” smile while looking into a retina scanner to get the door open. If they whined they would be locked out of the fridge for 24 hours.
Increased self-esteem in 1 hour a day. This ad could show a child cleaning their room and helping with the chores around the house. After all, studies show that self-esteem comes through satisfying work. The child would have to snap a picture of themselves cleaning and hold the screen up to the fridge interface. Identical images from previous weeks would be rejected and the child locked out of the fridge for 24 hours.
Create a start to healthy child/parent relationships in only six, fifteen-second bursts a day! Guaranteed or you get 3 free “open door” tokens. This ad would show teenagers speaking with their parents without a mobile device in their hands. The image would be of a parent and child in the same room, actually looking at each other. Smiling. Listening. Having a conversation. The fridge would open when the conversations were acknowledged by the parent as satisfactory. The parents could then download a verification code to the fridge. Three unsatisfactory conversations and the child is locked out of the fridge for 24 hours.
As parents learn more about technology and reclaim that realm from the youngsters, I can imagine all kinds of ways to help children obey their parents, gain confidence, and become responsible for their own actions.
In fact, I contacted a fridge company last week with a new suggestion for “Adult Only” fridges. The first ad? Learn to Romance Your Spouse with jewelry up-grades, weekly flowers, and chocolate.